Dear God

Dear God,

I know that everything happens for a reason, but this is just not something I am understanding.

I know you must be hurting seeing me hurt like this. Watching me lose my grip on the world, on you.....right I mean, your are a father watching their child lose their way. It must hurt?

I can't do this anymore, I can't. Please help me find the stregth to keep going, to see a light at the end of all this. I beg for your mercy for your protection, and for your strength. I did not enter this world with the intentions of doing this all alone. I praise all the single moms out there, but this is not for me. I am not strong enough. Not when I know what it was like, not when I had what I had. But now what, where do I go.

I want to make this work, I love him, but how does one work towards forgivness?

I am struggling this time, it was different last time, but this time, it is so much harder. For the first time I feel HATE. That is not a filling I am used to, it is such a ugly word, I have felt it before towards her, but never towards my husband.

It is sad, when I was little and would hear my parents fight, and the way they were a couple, discusted me. It was horrible.

And I promised myself I would never be like that, never have a marriage that wasn't filled with love, so much love it was overfilling....and now....now I am lost, and hurt, and cry everynight....now I am in so much pain.

How much longer, I have been begging with you, begging you to help make this right, please...I can't hurt any longer.....I am not strong enough....I just want to feel love again....please make the hate stop.

To my husband

Dear Other Woman,

Here is my letter to my husband, just thought you'd want to read a little of what you helped cause:

Dear Husband,

I am so mad at you right now...mad because I feel so alone.....you were always who I would go to to vent....to get things off my chest.......I need you so much right now....i feel like a horrible mother...wife...daughter....child of God......i don't understand my purpose....if I could I would crawl into a hole and never come out...remember how I used to say I wanted to crawl up in your chest and hide from the world.....I can't do that....i know I am totally pmsing right now...but it doesn't change the fact that I just feel like someone has a bag over my head and I can't breath.....

I know if I said any of this to you you would tell me you were still here for me.  That you are trying.....but how can I ever believe you again.  You ruined everything...I know it takes two, but really...what you have done will never compare to me gaining weight, or forgetting to pay a bill, or burning dinner......and yet here you are trying in your own ways....but I know....I know you are most likely trying in her ways too...and I can't do this....a little piece of me each day dies......I want nothing more then this to work.....but....how...how can we work through this......there are a few big things I keep asking for...if you really wanted to make mends, make it work, those would be your main priority.

But what  is wrong with me....the fact that I enjoy talking to you, miss you...long to see you again......I must be sooooo fucked up......you live these lies.......I don't want to be one of your lies...I want you to love me on your sleeve.

Siblings & YOUR drama

Dear Other Woman,

You’d be happy to know him and I fought today, fought because of the fact that my child wants to see their stepsibling, not the new one, since no one knows about that one. So we fought because of you and me being so different, I want them to be together, to know each other, and it has to become this big production because of you and your drama. You said the other day you would do anything for my husband you love him so much. Then how about stopping your drama, making into everything about you.

But because of you, things have to be done secretly, and because he is so afraid of upsetting you I have alter my life for your dumb ass, if it wasn’t for the kids your dumb ass would have been forgotten by all parties a long time ago. How does that make you feel!! OH wait you know that, hence why you planned the first baby and the second…PATHETIC you and DUMB him!!

A ghost note to my husband

Dear the man I said to death due us part, in sickness and health,

I will always love you, that will never change. And I never wanted you out of my life, but you know all of this, you always have. One thing I envy you on is that you know that you are loved, true, pure unconditional love. For that is the only thing I envy you for. Everything else, I pity, I pity that you can take love like that for granted, take hearts and break them, take lives and easily toss them to the side.

I want nothing more then to make things work, I always have. In no means am I perfect, but there has never been any wrong that I have done that deserves what you have done to me. Everything I have ever asked for from you, you have given to [insert her name here]. Our life is not a game as it so easily is referred to. I sit here with you, looking at you with hate and love at the same time. And I am so confused, confused and in pain. I want to be with you, no one understands me like you do, but you can not figure out what you want in life. And I don’t want to be someone in your life that you don’t know how you want to handle anymore. I want to be the person you can’t live without, can’t stop loving, want to kiss, want to hold, want to embrace. What to protect, love and cherish. I want to be the one you wake up missing and go to sleep thinking about. I want to be the one you don’t want to hurt.

I want someone who would protect me from all evil in the world, including her. I know she will be in your life forever, but that doesn’t mean she needs to be IN YOUR LIFE like you let her. I will not share you anymore, I will not fight for you anymore, I will not fight for us anymore.

You say you are in limbo, that you can not work on us while states away. But are you even working on yourself, are you even trying to fix what you broke? The story is see is you are filled with excuses, excuses to make a choice, to deal with the pain you have caused us both. Miles are not an excuse to what you could be doing. You could begin with the truth. You could begin with being honest with yourself.

So after Christmas I will shut the door to my heart. You are no longer allowed there, because it can not break or be any more humiliated then it already is.

I am sorry, I wanted nothing more for this not to happen.

The Holidays

Dear Other Woman,

They say the holidays are the toughest, boy isn't that the truth.  Was just thinking about asking you what you planned on getting my husband for Christmas, I mean I don't want us to get the same things for him.

So as I sit her confused more then ever, and weighing packing my bags and taking my kid somewhere no one could ever find us to escape the drama and pain you insist on inflicting, I wonder what I am going to do.  The love of my life, my best friend, gave the one gift I anted to you, life......and since he can't seperate ties from you, and can't from me....I think it is only fitting to let go and take control of my own life.  But he makes it so hard, he won't let me go, he does so many things to show he wants me to be with him, but yet he does things that prove he will never change.  And your stupid whore self went and got knocked up.. You are more stupis then I could ever be. 

I hate you, I hate you both....the one person I trusted, loved, and will always love, I hate you.  I hate hat you have and are doing to me and our fmily.  And I hate your stupid whore who will not leave me alone.  You are pathetic that you continue to mock me, try and friend my friends....LEAVE me the FUCK alone!!  If I ever end up dead, cyber world, tell the  policy that whore must have had something to do with it.

I need to live my life for me and my child....you and your stupid self need to get a life!

Long Weekend

Dear Other Woman-

What a long week and weekend....so we got to play family since he was up here, and I will say I miss that.  But I am sooo angry at you two right now.  When he left our kid was bawling.....sobing unlike they have ever done before.  So F you both for causing that pain.  Not to mention later in the car our child stating that they didn't know why but they were so angry they felt like they could scream.  That is horrible....horrible that a little child is confused as to why they are so angry right now.  

Another Day....another disapointment

Dear Other Woman,

So this week my husband is home.  It is a special week for our child so he is here to spend some family time, since we have yet to tell our kid we are getting a divorce.  I asked him about your two....he said there is nothing...that he doesn't want to be with anyone right now.  That he knows what he did was a mistake.  Hear that...your a mistake!  HA!  Anywho....so he hides the car in the garage stating he needs to give it an oil change...yeah like I beleive that...he didn't tell you he was coming and he doesn't want you to know he is here.  Funny and sad at the same time right...oh and mean.. I mean he doesn't want to admidt anything in life.  Where he is...how he feels...nice, real mature.  No wonder you to gravitate to each other..

ON another note I will tell you these few days have been hard.  We have been doing family things like nothing ever happened...it is very hard for me.  There are times I look at him and want nothing more then to reach out and touch him, love him, kiss him, and then I look at him and I see you and all the other woman that he is fucking and I hate him....am utterly discusted....this is sooooo hard.  The man I love, will always love, and yet right now hate, hate for the pain he has caused.  He said something funny, I was telling him how I wished we had bought a different house, the one I wanted, because it would have ben easier for me to afford, and was smaller etc. and he said he didn't want our kid growing up in that area....and I am thinking....you care about how your kid grows up...really....did you just say that.....if you cared so much you wouldn't have done what you did.  UGH!!Anyhow, you, well you still discust me...I know about your antics....really....loser....creating online accounts for him posting you two all over them saing he is in a relationship with you...get a life...have some resect...we are still MARRIED!!!  And I think if he had it his way w'd stay married.....I mean...really....you need to do a life check....cause you need to revaluate your shit!

So for the next 4 days of being in the same bed, no worries I will not think of you ONCE!