My Adventure

Dear Other Woman-

And so it begins....I am moving out.  Hopefully this will help heal the hole you two have caused.  Our child and I are moving to a new place, without him.  You can have him.  He swears to the day you two are not together.  And that he is going to work on himself.  He swears he spends his night at our old house, or work, or friends.  He swears he is not with you.

I have spent to long trying to believe his lies, only to find out I was right...no more.....I am not dumb.

I will always love him....but no more.

The End

Dear Other Woman-

Are you happy?  Today I found in my husbands bag packed from returning from work a DVD.  It said happy 9 years.  I took it, trembling hands and all....and put it into my computer.  From there I watched as your handy DIY work displayed across my screen.  It was a slideshow of pictures, of you the birth of your son, the birth of your daughter and pictures of weddings, party's and bar scenes of the two of you.

Trembling I knew....I knew that a woman wouldn't do this unless a man made her feel there was something there.  9 years...it hit me...9 years I have been dealing with you...and all your bullshit, your jerry springer drama.  9 years...shame on me..shame on YOU.

I went back to his bag and went through it some more.  Knowing the worst was to come, I could feel it.  And then that is where I found it.  A ring box.  A beautiful ring...one that I had showed him so many similar before.  One that I would have loved....but who was it for?  After finding the disc...I could only imagine now that my world was nothing more then 9 years of a lie.  All his tears...kisses....touches...all a lie??

I out our beautiful child to bed....held in each tear that was tearing through my body....and waited.  waited for him to come back from the store....

I saw him and couldn't hold it in.  I told him I will always love him, but no more.  No more lies.  If he wanted to be with you then he could leave. but no more could I handle the pain and the lies.

He started off swearing there was nothing between you two.  He started off making me feel like I was crazy, that he loved me.  But then I told him I found the disc and the ring.  And he got mad.  he got defensive.  Swore that the ring wasn't for you.  And then ended up saying he bought the ring on a whim and thought if he bought it it would help him decide whim it should go to.

And  I was done.  I was broken.  You finally broke me.  You finally broke my family

You Must Think Im Crazy

Dear God,

I am not sure what this journey I am on means.  It has been a wild ride, but lately it has been good.  I have a roof over my head, a healthy beautiful kid, and a husband who comes home to me at night.  He has his ups and downs.  And there are moments when I don't know what the future holds.  But doing it holding his hands makes it all worth wild.

It amazes me how he will never let me go to bed without a smile on my face.  He will tickle me till I almost pee my pants.

I know we lead a very unusual life.  He has 2 kids now with his mistress, and it kills me.

There are times I try and forget.

All I wanted was one more kid....so seeing those 2 breaks my heart.  But I am bound to believe there is a reason for them.  Or maybe not, maybe just the simple fact my husband has a dick he cant control and there is a whore out there who cant shut her legs or move on.

Its hard, cause I know she still wants him, she still does things...trys to hurt me.  But bringing her up only causes conflict.

We are still trying to figure out how to live, so the wounds are still fresh.

Life...can it be good?

Dear Other Woman,


Sunny days....

My husband took a job states away, he told me if there was anything he wishes he could take back it was meeting you.  And so....we start another chapter.....and it may look like running away....it may be running away....but if being far from you gives my family a chance, I will follow him, follow him with an open heart.

And I like our life, no...i love our life.  I will continue my journey as a wife and a mother.  I created a bubble of safety for our child....and it is a bubble to keep her safe from you.

And though you try....emails....facebook posts...pictures...etc...I will not let your web of deceit affect me.

I haven't been posting much because I feel the only way to heal is to not talk about it so much.  I remember in the bible, there is somewhere a verse that talks about your marriage problems should be between your spouse, you and God only.  One more reason I do this blog anonymously, I don't share this stuff with my family and friends.  I do have 1 or 2 that know some of it, but the rest....I never want them to judge him.

I know if you are reading this you must think I am crazy, but we have sooo many more good days then bad.  So many more.  Being with him makes me calm, happy and smile.  He understands me, he knows me, he loves me, he is broken, but aren't we are broken?  He will have his day of judgement, and so will I and so will you.  But till then I know where I belong, and I belong at his side.  What that means for the future I don't know, but what it means for right now....us happy.  And that is all I can ask for.

Maybe one day you will learn to leave us alone.

Dear God

Dear God,

I know that everything happens for a reason, but this is just not something I am understanding.

I know you must be hurting seeing me hurt like this. Watching me lose my grip on the world, on you.....right I mean, your are a father watching their child lose their way. It must hurt?

I can't do this anymore, I can't. Please help me find the stregth to keep going, to see a light at the end of all this. I beg for your mercy for your protection, and for your strength. I did not enter this world with the intentions of doing this all alone. I praise all the single moms out there, but this is not for me. I am not strong enough. Not when I know what it was like, not when I had what I had. But now what, where do I go.

I want to make this work, I love him, but how does one work towards forgivness?

I am struggling this time, it was different last time, but this time, it is so much harder. For the first time I feel HATE. That is not a filling I am used to, it is such a ugly word, I have felt it before towards her, but never towards my husband.

It is sad, when I was little and would hear my parents fight, and the way they were a couple, discusted me. It was horrible.

And I promised myself I would never be like that, never have a marriage that wasn't filled with love, so much love it was overfilling....and now....now I am lost, and hurt, and cry everynight....now I am in so much pain.

How much longer, I have been begging with you, begging you to help make this right, please...I can't hurt any longer.....I am not strong enough....I just want to feel love again....please make the hate stop.

To my husband

Dear Other Woman,

Here is my letter to my husband, just thought you'd want to read a little of what you helped cause:

Dear Husband,

I am so mad at you right now...mad because I feel so alone.....you were always who I would go to to vent....to get things off my chest.......I need you so much right now....i feel like a horrible mother...wife...daughter....child of God......i don't understand my purpose....if I could I would crawl into a hole and never come out...remember how I used to say I wanted to crawl up in your chest and hide from the world.....I can't do that....i know I am totally pmsing right now...but it doesn't change the fact that I just feel like someone has a bag over my head and I can't breath.....

I know if I said any of this to you you would tell me you were still here for me.  That you are trying.....but how can I ever believe you again.  You ruined everything...I know it takes two, but really...what you have done will never compare to me gaining weight, or forgetting to pay a bill, or burning dinner......and yet here you are trying in your own ways....but I know....I know you are most likely trying in her ways too...and I can't do this....a little piece of me each day dies......I want nothing more then this to work.....but....how...how can we work through this......there are a few big things I keep asking for...if you really wanted to make mends, make it work, those would be your main priority.

But what  is wrong with me....the fact that I enjoy talking to you, miss you...long to see you again......I must be sooooo fucked up......you live these lies.......I don't want to be one of your lies...I want you to love me on your sleeve.

Siblings & YOUR drama

Dear Other Woman,

You’d be happy to know him and I fought today, fought because of the fact that my child wants to see their stepsibling, not the new one, since no one knows about that one. So we fought because of you and me being so different, I want them to be together, to know each other, and it has to become this big production because of you and your drama. You said the other day you would do anything for my husband you love him so much. Then how about stopping your drama, making into everything about you.

But because of you, things have to be done secretly, and because he is so afraid of upsetting you I have alter my life for your dumb ass, if it wasn’t for the kids your dumb ass would have been forgotten by all parties a long time ago. How does that make you feel!! OH wait you know that, hence why you planned the first baby and the second…PATHETIC you and DUMB him!!