Letters To The Other Woman: 2010

Monday, July 19, 2010

Life...can it be good?

Dear Other Woman,

Sunny days....

My husband took a job states away, he told me if there was anything he wishes he could take back it was meeting you. And so....we start another chapter.....and it may look like running away....it may be running away....but if being far from you gives my family a chance, I will follow him, follow him with an open heart.

And I like our life, no...i love our life. I will continue my journey as a wife and a mother. I created a bubble of safety for our child....and it is a bubble to keep her safe from you.

And though you try....emails....facebook posts...pictures...etc...I will not let your web of deceit affect me.

I haven't been posting much because I feel the only way to heal is to not talk about it so much. I remember in the bible, there is somewhere a verse that talks about your marriage problems should be between your spouse, you and God only. One more reason I do this blog anonymously, I don't share this stuff with my family and friends. I do have 1 or 2 that know some of it, but the rest....I never want them to judge him.

I know if you are reading this you must think I am crazy, but we have sooo many more good days then bad. So many more. Being with him makes me calm, happy and smile. He understands me, he knows me, he loves me, he is broken, but aren't we are broken? He will have his day of judgement, and so will I and so will you. But till then I know where I belong, and I belong at his side. What that means for the future I don't know, but what it means for right now....us happy. And that is all I can ask for.

Maybe one day you will learn to leave us alone.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

I know that everything happens for a reason, but this is just not something I am understanding.

I know you must be hurting seeing me hurt like this. Watching me lose my grip on the world, on you.....right I mean, your are a father watching their child lose their way. It must hurt?

I can't do this anymore, I can't. Please help me find the stregth to keep going, to see a light at the end of all this. I beg for your mercy for your protection, and for your strength. I did not enter this world with the intentions of doing this all alone. I praise all the single moms out there, but this is not for me. I am not strong enough. Not when I know what it was like, not when I had what I had. But now what, where do I go.

I want to make this work, I love him, but how does one work towards forgivness?

I am struggling this time, it was different last time, but this time, it is so much harder. For the first time I feel HATE. That is not a filling I am used to, it is such a ugly word, I have felt it before towards her, but never towards my husband.

It is sad, when I was little and would hear my parents fight, and the way they were a couple, discusted me. It was horrible.

And I promised myself I would never be like that, never have a marriage that wasn't filled with love, so much love it was overfilling....and now....now I am lost, and hurt, and cry everynight....now I am in so much pain.

How much longer, I have been begging with you, begging you to help make this right, please...I can't hurt any longer.....I am not strong enough....I just want to feel love again....please make the hate stop.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

To my husband

Dear Other Woman,

Here is my letter to my husband, just thought you'd want to read a little of what you helped cause:

Dear Husband,

I am so mad at you right now...mad because I feel so alone.....you were always who I would go to to vent....to get things off my chest.......I need you so much right now....i feel like a horrible mother...wife...daughter....child of God......i don't understand my purpose....if I could I would crawl into a hole and never come out...remember how I used to say I wanted to crawl up in your chest and hide from the world.....I can't do that....i know I am totally pmsing right now...but it doesn't change the fact that I just feel like someone has a bag over my head and I can't breath.....

I know if I said any of this to you you would tell me you were still here for me. That you are trying.....but how can I ever believe you again. You ruined everything...I know it takes two, but really...what you have done will never compare to me gaining weight, or forgetting to pay a bill, or burning dinner......and yet here you are trying in your own ways....but I know....I know you are most likely trying in her ways too...and I can't do this....a little piece of me each day dies......I want nothing more then this to work.....but....how...how can we work through this......there are a few big things I keep asking for...if you really wanted to make mends, make it work, those would be your main priority.

But what is wrong with me....the fact that I enjoy talking to you, miss you...long to see you again......I must be sooooo fucked up......you live these lies.......I don't want to be one of your lies...I want you to love me on your sleeve.

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Who is "The Other Woman"

Well let's just say she isn't happy. I've learned that when a woman is unhappy, when she is scorned, when she has become a victim of someone else leaving and cheating on her...well.....she seems to be looking for a bit of revenge. Now I'm sure there are woman out there that don't turn into this type, I mean I would think you'd say to yourself "wow, I don't want anyone to go what I went through", but I keep being proved wrong. And "she" sure doesn't think that way.

In fact, she's not even nice, I'm sure she has some friends somewhere that think the world of her, but I can tell you I've only seen her filled with hate and anger. In fact I'm sure that if her parents, family and close friends heard some of the things she said and seen some of the things she's done they'd be saddened.

And most of that gets directed at me.....what did I do.....oh that's right, I kept my husband (shame on me).

I mean I even sent her a long letter, telling her about a sermon in church. It was about the plank in the eye, and we had to write a name of someone we wanted to work towards forgiving on this piece of wood. If we were ready to forgive we could bring the wood forth, or take it home and pray on it. Now I took the wood home. I wasn't ready. This was someone who would go WT on me every chance she got. She couldn't even hold a conversation with me without spitting out lies, and hurtful words. And to be honest with you believe it or not I really only lashed back once, and trust me I never heard the end of that. But I got to the point were I was able to forgive her, it was about 2 months after the sermon. So back to the letter, I wrote it, it was 90% nice, with the exception of telling her she had a truck drivers mouth when she spoke to me. But I told her I forgave her, you see I felt bad for her. She was already a singe mom of two, with a VERY shitty father of those two, I mean violent. And now here she is 30 something and another one, and she was living at home with her parents. I'm sure this wasn't what she had planned. But no matter to this day how many times I try to be nice, I get no where. If only she knew how good I took care of her kid on the rare occasions we get to have them other. If only she knew how much that sweet kids cried when we say our goodbyes....could I use all this as ammo, sure....but that's not me. I mean I promise you if she was reading this she'd be pissed and defensive, the funny thing is I get that. I understand her anger, I just wish I could help her. I mean could I go all postal WT on her with all the crap I know about her, and let her family in on her dark secrets she doesn't know I know about...sure.....but where would that get me? No where I want to be, so I pray about it, and hope one thing (other then her finding a man who will take care of her and help her MOVE ON) that one thing is that she would find the one who could fill that void in her life. That ONE and only. I hate to say I think it is unlikely, she is filled with o much hate, but I can tell you I try to pray about it everyday.

My Story

So let me give you a brief overview of my life...and really I am shorting this down to the "t" just so I don't bore you ;)

I grew up in suburbia, the difference with my family is I knew about my mothers affair, and I knew about my fathers affair. And I had to handle it all alone, thinking it was abnormal, I was ashamed, and kept it all bottled in, and kept on living.

Then fast forward 10 some years and I met my husband to be, he is wonderful, amazing. We had the normal bumps in the road, a couple break ups, a couple fights, and then decided to get married. Newlywed life was grand, we had a lot of fun.

Then came baby.....this was a challenge. We worked different schedules, so we rarely saw each other. I breast-fed (which I loved) and baby and I bonded. We had our own little world, and I really didn't let him in. I didn't like anything he did, the way he held her, fed her, nothing was as good as mommy could do it. So we started drifting apart and I didn't even notice. He still held my hand, we still made love, (not often but we still did it)he still told me he loved me, and most important to me; we still cuddled at night. So I never saw what was coming next....

I figured out my husband was having an affair. In fact she told herself. And believe it or not I befriended her. So called me constantly to make sure I was ok, telling me she thought we were separated and that she wanted nothing to do with him again. (yeah I fell for it). I confronted him, he cried, we cried and he told me he was sorry and he'd never do it again.

Well.........let me fast forward to 6 months later, it still was an on again off again between the two of them. She wouldn't let him go, he would go back, and then quickly come home. I didn't know what to do. Finally I let go, I fell to my kitchen floor (kid was with grandma) and I cried out to GOD. I didn't want to live anymore. I was so tired, have you ever just been unable to keep your eyes open, well that's how my body felt. My heart hurt, my head hurt, every inch of me hurt, and I just wanted to let go. I cried there (think of the scene in Grey's Anatomy when that blondes boyfriend died, and she laid on the bathroom floor, that was me) I just wanted to give up. But while I gasped for air in between cries I heard something. I heard that I'm needed, that there is still more I'm here for. That there is a little baby waiting for me to watch them walk, talk, and grow. That no matter how tough I think I have it, somewhere at this moment there is someone else, someone else that feels the same pain, and there is someone else hurting more. After awhile my breathing slowed and I realized, I loved my husband, and I love my family, but I had to trust in someone else. I had to trust GOD had a plan for me.

Ok, so fast forward 2 more months, we stayed pretty much separated. I tried to move to the mentality that I was going to be a single mother. And then something weird happened. You see we really had nothing to do with each other during this time, and then he decided he would start seeing our child again. And little by little we would laugh, and at the end of the visit, I just let him go. And then we talked, and talked, and I got butterflies every time I saw him. And yes like 99% of woman at this time I had lost weight, was whitening my teeth, and taking care of me. And then it happened we decided we wanted to make it work, we were best friends, we never lost that. We just worked well together. So we made plans to move, he went first. I followed, but it was then everything in our life changed. She was pregnant, and admitted to doing it purposely. She wanted what we had, she thought she could keep him if she got pregnant. And so that's what she did.

And since then it has been a roller coaster ride. The first year was the hardest. We really dug ourselves into church and counseling. If our marriage counselor ever read this he needs to know that he was our saving grace.

You see we decided to start doing something different....we stated putting GOD in our marriage. And I won't lie this hasn't been easy, there's been slip-ups, but I promise it's all been worth it.

So here we are, but remember this is a place for me to be honest and to get all my feelings out. So I have to tell you that I am not 100%, I still check my husbands phone, he still will lie about things, mostly dumb things. We are no means perfect, and I take everyday one step at a time. I mean think about it, it's not like we are able to move on and never see "HER" again. Nope...they have a kid together, so I'm kinda stuck with her. And we're no Julia Roberts and Susan Serandon. Nope if she had it her way, I think we'd be On Jerry Springer. She doesn't make my life easy.

So this blog....well it's my chance to say what I want to say to her, my chance to let out all my feeling. And please comment, I'd love to hear from you all out there.....maybe people can see their not alone, maybe I can help life someone up off their kitchen floor......just maybe.

Letters To The Other Woman